How
to Simulate Shipboard Life (a.k.a.,
Suggestions for the ex-sailor who misses the "good old
days")
Sleep on the shelf in your
closet
Replace the closet door with
a curtain.
Six hours after you go to
sleep, have your wife whip open the curtain, shine a
flashlight in your eyes, and mumble "Sorry, wrong
rack."
Renovate your bathroom. Build
a wall across the middle of your bathtub and move the
shower head down to chest level.
When you take showers, make
sure you shut off the water while soaping.
Every time there is a
thunderstorm, go sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock
as hard as you can until you’re nauseous.
Put lube oil in your
humidifier instead of water and set it to
"High." (for
that shipboard smell)
Don’t watch TV except
movies in the middle of the night. Have your family vote
on which movie to watch, then show a different one.
(Mandatory for
ex-engineering types) Leave lawnmower running in your living room
24 hours a day for proper noise level.
Have the paper boy give you a
haircut.
Once a week blow compressed
air up through your chimney making sure the wind carries
the soot across and on to your neighbor’s house.
Laugh at him when he curses you.
Buy a trash compactor and
only use it once a week. Store up garbage in the other
side of your bathtub.
Wake up every night at
midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on
stale bread, if anything. (Optional: Canned ravioli or cold soup)
Make up your family menu a
week ahead of time without looking in your food cabinets
or refrigerator.
Set your alarm clock to go
off at random times during the night. When it goes off,
jump out of bed and get dressed as fast as you can, then
run out into your yard and break out the garden hose.
Once a month take every major
appliance completely apart and then put them back
together.
Use 18 scoops of coffee per
pot and allow it to sit for 5 or 6 hours before drinking (note: a Department of Defense,
not Naval, specialty RM.)
Invite at least 85 people you
don’t really like to come and visit for a couple of
months.
Have a fluorescent lamp
installed on the bottom of your coffee table and lie under
it to read books.
Raise the thresholds and
lower the top sills on your front and back doors to that
you either trip of the threshold or hit your head on the
sill every time you pass though one of them.
Lockwire the lug nuts on your
car.
When making cakes, prop up
one side of the pan while it is baking. Then spread icing
really thick on one side to level off the top.
Every so often, throw your
cat into the swimming pool, shout "Man Overboard,
ship recovery!" , run into the kitchen and sweep all
the pots/pans/dishes off the counter onto the floor, then
yell at your wife for not having the place "stowed
for sea."
Put on the headphone from
your stereo (don’t
plug them in). Go
and stand in front of your stove. Say (to nobody in particular) "Stove manned and
ready." Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say (once again to nobody in
particular)
"Stove secured." Roll up the headphone cord and
put them away.
